-- BELIEVE --

What does it mean to live? Is it to love and be loved? To suffer and know joy? To educate and be educated? A few months shy of my 30 years in the world and I still can’t put a finger on the essence of life. Today I got out of bed feeling lost. I don’t know what to do today. I can’t wash the clothes because the batch I washed 4 days ago was still hanging out, desperately calling out for sunshine. I don’t feel like going out to walk around. My husband isn’t here to keep me company. I’m stuck in a dead-end job which, to make matters worse, doesn’t pay much. I don’t care much for money, but I still wouldn’t mind getting more. And most importantly, I crave a fulfilling career – doing something that in the end, means something. Not just running over my spiel to explain late fees in people’s credit cards or explaining how interest is computed. Am I alone in this dilemma? Because if not, I think to myself, “this is an unspoken calamity.” If all people are confronted with the same questions, but like zombies, walk around like nothing is wrong, then the pretense-coated world IS doomed. Or have they seen the essence of life in their almost robotic lives and embraced it? Then why does it seem like I’m the only one who hasn’t? Why am I blessed (and at the same time cursed) with a mind that questions everything? A thought process that never knows peace? What do I do with the rest of my life? At this point, it is quite evident that I’ve made a mess of my first 30 years – the only good parts being my husband and daughter. But who am I without them? How do I know what I am? How can I breathe, walk, think and eat and still not know life? The world has become such a noisy place that it has drowned all hope of hearing my soul whisper. And in the hurried drumbeat of everyday sounds – the cars speeding, click-clack of heeled shoes on the pavement, trains opening and closing – the world is lost in its home, as I am lost in mine.